The White Man’s guide to dating a Black Woman

Disclaimer: This piece is specifically dedicated to men that want to date a woman of African American or African heritage. Please stay tuned for the White Man’s guide to dating a Latina woman.

I consider myself a pretty diverse dater. Since landing in New York City, I can say that I have either been attracted to, attracted by, dated, or at least held a deep conversation with a man of almost every nationality. However conversations are completely different from being able to forge a real romantic relationship. After all, the key word in relationship is “RELATE”. If you cannot relate to the person whom you are involved with, you’re pretty much doomed. I have many White male acquaintances that are comfortable enough with me to ask uninhibited questions about the Black race, specifically Black women. The main misconception they hold is that they are not “sufficient enough” to maintain a sexual relationship with a Black woman. I can speak from experience when I say that there are many Black men that are most certainly nothing to write home about either!
You are here, so let’s explore your motivation for even reading this article?
First let’s dissect why you want to date a Black woman.
Do you have a genuine interest in getting to know a Black woman in particular?
You may not specifically like her because she is Black. This woman has simply intrigued you. Let’s just say that you have a new beautiful brown-skinned co- worker and you are wondering how you could capture and maintain her attention? If you have a genuine interest in dating a woman of color and you see her race as a boundary, I am here to help you gain perspective on her as a human being and to hopefully break down this boundary. After reading this article you should at least be comfortable with simply saying hello and sparking a
conversation, just as you would do with a woman with less melanin

Do you have a fetish for Black women?
Throughout history Black women have been regarded as sexual deviants. Our large derrières and ample breasts have been idealized and over sexualized by Europeans since the first time they laid eyes on us in the Motherland. I recall reading an excerpt from a European Conquistadors’ notes. He was exploring Africa for the 1st time and he came across these beautiful, supple, dark, gazelle-like women. He said their bodies truly looked like they were ripened by the earth. He went on to say how he and his fellow explorers took these women out of pure sexual curiosity.
Another poignant example of Europeans sexualizing Black women is the all too common story of Sarah Baartman, the Hottentot Venus. She was the slave of a Dutch farmer in Cape Town, South Africa. A British doctor saw her and suggested that she travel to London for “display”. She had no clue, but upon her arrival to Europe she became an exhibit, a circus freak. They made her display her enlarged labia, her bountiful derrière and her supple breasts like a zoo animal. By the time she was a mere 25 years old, she died of smallpox (most reports say Syphilis). The Europeans made a plaster cast of her body, then removed her skeleton. After removing her brain and genitalia, they pickled them and displayed them in bottles at the Musee de l’Homme in Paris. Their goal was to show that her brain was smaller than her White counterparts, but that her genitals were far larger, thus making her a mere vessel for sex.
The effects of slavery in this country run rampant across the Black community until this very day! The effects of Black women being looked upon as unintelligent, “sexual things” still runs rampant in the White community. Blacks have even followed the European suit. Hundreds of years of oppression and misguided thoughts by our forefathers have done their fair share of damage. If you are a progressive man, then you should be able to see a woman exactly for what she is. A woman.
With that said, if you are only interested or curious because you want to have jungle sex with a Black woman, make it known before taking up a sista’s time …and possibly getting the shit slapped out of you.

If you want to READ MORE of Sarah Baartman’s tragic story here’s a link:
http://www.southafrica.info/about/history/saartjie.htm#.USzft6J7tIE
Are just sick of dating White women for now?
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with testing the waters. However, if you are taking a break from your norm, be honest with yourself. If you undoubtedly have no intention of ever pursuing something formidable with this woman, again, make it known before you take up a sista’s time. If you are not prepared for the outrage from your family, or the snide looks from your colleagues, or the disrespectful messages from White women of your past then you are not ready to take on the responsibility of this type of relationship. If you cannot put your family and friends in their place in order to protect your woman’s honor, then I would advise that you spare her the drama. Furthermore, no woman wants to be used as a guinea pig.
If you have deemed that she is not a fetish or a fad then you are ready to read on!
At this point you either have that special lady in mind, have already been acquainted or are in the midst of a courtship. Here are a few tips to help things go seamlessly as possible when it comes to handling the differences in your ethnic backgrounds.
1. Make her comfortable around your friends and family that may be less open-minded.
It’s really sad to say, but a great deal of Black people have become accustomed to not being welcomed by our White counterparts. Many of us have experienced it a time or two. It is quite an unsettling, diminishing feeling. The last thing you would want to allow, is for the people in your circle to make the woman you’re dating to feel like an outcast because she is different. I would suggest having a light talk with both sides before you made any sort of formal or informal introductions. Let your folks know that you are dating a beautiful woman. Make them understand that she is the apple of your eye. I am suggesting this because on a few occasions, when meeting a White beaus’ circle, I heard gasps, I saw eyes rolling and my presence drummed up fake smiles of acceptance. This is rare, because I’m usually accepted with open arms and treated with equal warmth. But I would hate for one of your ass- hole friends to make an off-color remark to your lady resulting in unnecessary tension between the two of you.
2. Know the facts about Slavery and why we’re still pissed off about it.
The Emancipation Proclamation abolished Slavery and helped end it on June 19, 1865. Do you realize this was ONLY 147 years ago? My grandmother is 82 years so that means her mother’s mother was a SLAVE! I actually know someone that knew someone that knew a slave! Please understand that THIS IS A BIG DEAL to a well- informed African- American woman. We want you to know our history. African Slavery lasted 465 years in the USA. It will take an immense amount of work to undo over 400 years of mental, spiritual and physical oppression. If people (especially Black men) seem a bit angry, perturbed or disgruntled by seeing you with a Black woman, just try to empathize with the pain that your skin color may inflict. This type of behavior should not be excused by ANY means. Racism is not acceptable under ANY circumstances.
3. Don’t EVER EVER EVER tell her to relax!
From birth Black folks are a passionate, colorful, and expressive people. We walk with rhythm and we speak with a certain finesse. You have to understand that even the most seemingly reserved Black woman will get easily riled up when she hears her favorite song, recounts a story from the past, or when she’s upset. The last thing you want to do is to make her feel like you have categorized her as having ABW Syndrome (Angry Black Woman). Don’t tell her to relax, it’ll cost you. Of course, if you are in the confines of a loving relationship and you two understand one another, then it’s no holds barred. But if you are a new guy, then I suggest you tread lightly. Black women have been demonized and stereotyped for having a certain attitude, gum smacking, and being eye rolling witches. In the workplace we have been deemed as hostile and impossible to work with. Those aware of this negative perception even go out of our way to soften our tone in order to make others comfortable. Please do not put her in a position to have to dim herself when she is with you. Trust me, she lives in a White world, she has to do that her entire day.
4. The natural hair trend has taken off! Make her feel beautiful when her hair is kinky as well as straight.
On my first date with a White guy I recall wearing my hair in a long bone straight weave. He gushed about my facial features, my blinding smile, and my bodacious body. He took me out for a night of dinner and dancing and introduced me to every possible person that he could. I could tell that he was proud to have me on his arm, similar to a show pony. He enthusiastically asked to see me the following weekend and I accepted the date. He hired a car for the evening and called me when he and his driver were waiting downstairs at my building. This time, instead of showing up with my Beyoncé hair I decided to wear my enormous golden Afro. He got out to open the car door and when he saw me, there was nothing he could do to hide the look of utter shock in his eyes. The first thing he did was hand me a dozen pink roses, which he had also done on our first date. He then said , “Oh wow, you changed your hair.” We got in the car and headed to our destination. The dinner conversation was a complete contrast to the first time we had gone out. He was detached, seemingly disinterested and clearly turned off. It finally dawned on me that this fella just didn’t like my hair!! After all that was the only variable! I asked him about it and he admitted just that. Now there’s nothing wrong with having a preference, but you must understand that most Black women’s hair do not grow directly out of their head like Beyoncé’s. We go to painstaking hours in a beauticians chair to look that way. Here’s a secret, so does Beyonce! When you come across a Black woman who may appear to be wearing natural hair, it means either she has come to a place of acceptance and is no longer willing to confine herself to the European standards of beauty or she is like me, and simply wears her hair how the hell she wants to. Your only concern is making her feel accepted and beautiful..
5. Be your normal “White” self!
It may sound cliché, but being yourself is always the best answer. You are a White man. She is a Black woman. Don’t try to change anything about your heritage to suit a woman. Don’t start wearing your baseball caps backwards! Don’t start speaking like a rapper! Don’t show up to meet her in a dashiki!
It is an extreme turn off when White men tell me they just don’t like White women. After all, aren’t your mother and your sister White? How could you not like your own people? Don’t ever try to downgrade the White race as a whole in order to appease a Black woman. She would never, ever do that for you. Find a common ground. Embrace one another. Show her how comfortable you are with yourself in your skin. She needs you to be you!
6. Do your homework.
Acquaint yourself with this woman’s background. Is her family from America or is she 1st generation? Many black people that are lucky enough to know their exact lineage are West Indian or directly African. Find out the music that she is accustomed to and download a few tracks. I guarantee your effort will make her glow! Learn a few of the dishes she may know.
I recently attended my Jewish friend’s housewarming and everyone was so impressed when I showed up with homemade babka! Since then, I have gotten 5 separate invites from the other party goers! People LOVE IT when you embrace their culture!
I must warn you to approach with caution. You don’t want to make it look like you are trying too hard. The last thing you want is too appear rehearsed and unnatural. Don’t throw out your new findings in conversation without relevance. They are like nuclear missiles, good to have in your arsenal but damaging to your image if used without warrant