How to feel FREE in your Relationship. Restore LOVE
My literary brother recently wrote an exceptional piece called The Single Boyfriend and I’d like to dive deeper into the mentality of this type person. What makes them tick? Why can they not fully commit? What is their internal struggle?
What exactly is the SINGLE BOYFRIEND? Well as author, Derrick Jaxn explains, the Single Boyfriend:
“He’s in a relationship, but he doesn’t want everyone in his business, so he keeps it to himself. He has a faithful girlfriend that’s giving him all her trust, so he puts it to the test by staying out late, keeping his phone on silent, and having a combination lock to his laptop. Truth be told, there’s some things in there he can’t explain but what she doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Besides, if she really trusts him, it shouldn’t concern her anyway.”
He goes on to explain that many men may mistake LOYALTY and FAITHFULNESS as not going on dates and especially having sex with other women. Meaningless texts to other women, harmless flirting and denying and/or being evasive regarding your Relationship status are all ways in which you can give other chic’s power of your woman. You may not see it that way, but as Derrick puts it:
“Miserable girls can’t stand to see you happy without them. So the next time she gets a chance to talk to your girlfriend, those innocent hugs will become “he was all over me” and the flirtatious convoy will turn into “he was trying to talk to me”. And at the end of the day, it’ll be your fault. Your actions weren’t consistent with your relationship status, a relationship status you didn’t make known from the very beginning.”
When in truth, an immature mind believes that “loyalty” is about whether or not you’re a cheater but someone who knows better will tell you that loyalty is about respecting your partner by the way you represent them, even when they’re not around.”
Although I’ve quoted much of his article (LOL) please go check it out in its’ entirety and be sure to follow him! http://derrickjaxn.com/the-single-boyfriend/
One of the key reasons a man becomes a single boyfriend is because of his lack of transparency. Ladies, this goes for us too. There are some key things that this person is NOT REVEALING about themselves and their actions. This hinders the level of intimacy that they are able to achieve with their mate. If you are lacking emotional intimacy, it’s really easy to pick up and go when things get rough. I mean, you really didn’t divulge a lot anyway. Many of us are conditioned to not share things that will make us look weak or incapable. So we don’t. When you decide not to share, you are automatically preventing yourself from having a TRUE bond with your mate. Your relationship will look pretty on the surface. But what lies beneath could be destructive. What is transparency and how can you achieve it? Technically speaking, being transparent is defined as:
trans·par·ent adjective tran(t)s-ˈper-ənt
: able to be seen through: easy to notice or understand : honest and open : not secretive
(of a material or article) allowing light to pass through so that objects behind can be distinctly seen.
We have all committed acts, dated people and had experiences that we may not necessarily be proud of. In fact, some things may be down right disgusting and embarrassing. However, these nuances from our past or unfinished past have painstakingly shaped us into the men/women that we NOW PROUDLY present before others. The BIG PROBLEM arises when you do not feel a sense of obligation to expose yourself to your mate. Smart people understand that Rome was not built in a day (trust me, I’ve explored Rome). Some bricks that sit on the foundation of the awesome specimen that you have become may have a bit of pain and darkness behind them. That’s totally ok. You are HUMAN.
Part of achieving transparency is acknowledging inner conflicts that you face. Past, present and future. I can guarantee that what’s in the dark comes to light and you can either expose yourself or you run the risk of being exposed, probably by an enemy or attacker. Take control over your own image or you’ll find yourself cleaning up a fine mess. Let’s say you had an abusive parent. They did the best they could, but their tactics in child rearing would warrant a call to CPS in this day and age. Abuse not only begets abuse, but unless it is dealt with, you are probably a ticking time bomb. You may have achieved the trappings of a great life, but that hurting, fearful child that you’ve buried deeply will come back to the surface sooner or later. You may be able to successfully hide your pain from your mate, but are you secure in the fact that your own children will not suffer? YOU MUST share things of this nature with a potential partner. Allow them to 1st determine if yours are issues that they even want to tackle. Many may chose to get off at THE NEXT STOP. If that’s the case, consider yourself lucky that they opted out now as opposed to when you really needed the support. But a mate that is given the opportunity to know the root of your pain will dive right in and aid in beginning the work of healing. The last thing you want to hear from someone you love is, “Why didn’t you just tell me?”
What if you are still in the midst of your personal storm? You have 2 options, you either share it or you keep intimate relationships at arms length until your battle is over. It was easy for Kirk Franklin to testify about his porn addiction after he’d conquered it. Donnie McKlurkin made a hit song about not being Gay anymore. Well, that’s not really what it was about, but that’s how I took it. Either these men felt they were on the brink of exposure and decided to spill the beans themselves OR they felt comfortable sharing because they had already seen the light at the END OF THE TUNNEL.
If your pain is present, if your demons still whisper in your ear, if your source of hopelessness is right before you everyday, that is NOT SOMETHING you should hide from those that have chosen let you in. Sharing your innermost feelings, fears and less than stellar moments makes you extremely vulnerable to your partner. Trust that you will be ok. Maybe they will leave and tell you to drop ‘em a line when you get your ish together or maybe they’ll try to stay. Either way, you have taken the 1st step to BEING FREE! You are freeing yourself from BONDAGE. Slavery lasted so long, NOT because the captures posed physical threats to the HUGE black men, but because the Slave owners had managed to control the MINDS of the Slaves. Imagine the slave that has the key to his OWN SHACKLES. He has always had access to the key to freedom but he only knows how to be a slave. He has the strength to lift a 200 lb. bale of cotton, but he simply cannot twist a little key and free himself. He is bound by fear. Finally, after enough degradation, he unlocks his shackles, stands up and walks away from that which held him down. We are all equipped with the proper tools in which to free ourselves.
The hardest thing to do is reveal yourself, but trust me, once you shed that heavy (mental not metal) SUIT OF AMOUR, you can begin building a solid, unbreakable bond
If you love them, call them up. It all starts with, “There’s something I need to tell you….. “
I can almost guarantee that your mate will share some surprising facts about themselves too, if not…send them this article!
