As many of you know, I’m gearing up to complete my 1st novel! During this tedious process, I frequently host focus groups with ladies that fit in my target audience. Last night the focus group consisted of a panel of well-to do women in Manhattan. Everyone has some crazy dating stories and everyone is financially independent. All of the ladies are smart, beautiful, accomplished, talented and well-traveled.
We had a chance to brainstorm on what our lives would be, if we’d been married with kids. The most outstanding factor is that none of us would be living and loving in New York City right now! I went around the room and prodded the ladies and an interesting dynamic occurred. Instead of talking about themselves, they all could identify with a miserable childhood girlfriend that opted to stay in their hometown, get married to the 1st guy that came along and pop out babies. More often than not, this lady is dissatisfied, sexually frustrated, fat, she hates her balding husband and her kids are constant reminders that she is truly stuck. She lives vicariously through her girlfriends’ seemingly “awesome life”. Both women around 30 but the big difference is your homegirl has already reached her peak and you….you’re just getting started.
Back home in Memphis, we have an old saying, “Mama’s baby. Papa’s maybe.” Ladies, be weary because when your high school sweetheart becomes a 25-year-old man riddled with the responsibilities of a 45-year-old man, he’ll realize that he has not lived yet! My parents got married at 21. They had me about 4 years into their marriage and they had my twin sisters 8 years later. I’ve had many long talks with my father and he admits that he was a boy when he married my mom. Unfortunately, my mother had to painfully stand back and watch him “grow up” during their marriage. My attitude against early marriage has a lot to do with my mother drilling education, travel, enjoying life and conquering the world in my head. When I look at the statistics, I realize, Mama was right on the money!
50% of marriages end in divorce. Statistics say Black women have the lowest probability of marrying. New found studies suggest that Black Women are the least requested “type” when it comes to online dating. If you take a look at the cold hard facts, us sista’s already have the odds stacked against us. Black girls, if we want to be contenders in this game, we have to accomplish 5 times more, be stronger, faster and smarter than our less melanin gifted, fine haired sisters. This is a call to action. Successful couples are prolonging marriage in order to work on themselves. Do not take yourself out of the game, when you have not studied all the rules of engagement.
Check out this guide to online dating tips for women of color! online-dating-for-black-chics-how-to-stand-out.
All hope is not lost for this woman, but having no career or finances, lugging crumb snatchers around and trying to pursue a dream deferred is HARD! Hats off to the ones that have succeeded. My best friend is a living example that a woman can bounce back and reclaim her place as an individual after fleeing a young marriage, but she is also brutally honest about the struggles. She has 3 of the most beautiful kids and they are all gearing up to move to Florida next week! She had this to say, “I got married at 20, divorced at 32. You have no clue what life is or who you are or how to be comfortable being alone with yourself until at least 30”. And to be fair, not all of the stories were horror stories, we did have one woman in the focus group that had a baby out of wedlock at 16 and married by 18. She was divorced by 22, yet she managed to still complete Law School, which is where she met her current husband. He’s now the partner at a major law firm in Manhattan. I’d like to add that she brought her 8 month old baby to the focus group with her, the nanny tended to the baby the entire time. So she’s winning!
I’ve always been an advocate against getting married young. Had I accepted any one of my marriage proposals, I’d never have had the chance to blossom and become my own woman. Now, if you absolutely must tie the knot before 25, please, please print out this checklist and GET STARTED TODAY!!!
1. Do you own your own set of towels? – Essentially this means, live alone! Move out of your parent’s house (your college dorm doesn’t count). Spend some significant time managing your own household by yourself. Get accustomed to budgeting and paying bills and being an independent adult
2. Take a girlfriends trip – Go somewhere cute, get flirty and indulge responsibly! There’s nothing like a good girlfriend to get you through the rough times. Why not celebrate life with the girls that have your back? Go!
3. Travel far far away from home….alone… (Miami and Vegas don’t count)! Go conquer a European/Latin/African country and have coffee with a hot boy who doesn’t speak your language. Thrust yourself into another culture. Be uncomfortable. Stumble over a new language! Your perspective will surely broaden from such an experience.
SEE Sista’s Guide to travel abroad HERE
4. Finish your degree!! This one is self-explanatory
5. Balance out your finances- Pay off that debt that you acquired as an individual. Finances are said to be relationship killers. Make sure that you bring something to the table other than that pretty tushy of yours girlfriend!
6. Discover your sexual self- BEFORE YOU GET YOUR PANTIES IN A BUNCH! I am not advocating promiscuity. You may want to wait until marriage to have sex, you may be celibate or you may not believe in engaging in casual sex. All of those are your choices. Do get in touch with your sexual side before settling down. Many long term marriages thrive from a healthy sex life. Learn your likes, learn how to please a man and consider any inhibitions that you should purge in order to have a healthy sex life.
7. Get dumped- Have an awful breakup, the kind where you lose weight and cry every day. Then get over it and resume your life. If you’re a crazy, stalker chick, you should resolve your emo issues before pursuing your next serious relationship. Resiliency with grace and pride are key! Perhaps the most essential thing about heartbreak is coming out on the other side and realizing that, no matter how badly you are hurting in the moment, it’s going to pass and you are going to be happy again.
8. Dump someone- the art of detachment is one that many women have yet to conquer. When you dump someone it’s because you’ve learned how to let go. You’ve recognized that this person is not the one and you’ve successfully learned how to move on.
9. Establish a faith based religion or lack thereof- When you’ve found your partner, life is much easier when you’re on the same page when it comes to morals and values. Religion plays an especially big part when you two disagree or when there are kids involved.
10. Splurge on something totally self-centered- my big splurge at 24 was paying $5000 for my own braces. I never got them as a kid so when I was in Grad School, I realized (convinced MYSELF) that perfect teeth were imperative for me to enter Corporate America. Other girls may opt to go spend a year in London as a fashion apprentice. Some girls may want an absurdly priced pair of shoes. Being single is the time to embrace yourself, become the best woman you can be, and make yourself your #1 priority. Times like this won’t last always, so go for it NOW.
11. Meet his family- If you are in a relationship, make it your business to meet your potential mate’s family. These are the people who raised him so it’s imperative to see how they interact. This is a great glimpse into the future! Beware of your findings though, your experience may be brutal.
12. Learn how to cook! – This one is self explanatory. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. And if you’re a girl that brags about not even knowing how to boil a hotdog, stop it. You should be ashamed. Gender roles are real, but even the most devout feminist knows she should cook for her man. Kim Kardashian went to Reggie Bush’s mom and learned how to make his favorite meal (fried chicken, collard greens and biscuits)! Now if SHE can do it, WE can do it!
13. Figure yourself out- Too often people rush into committed monogamy for all the wrong reasons. “Figuring yourself out” is cliché, but that doesn’t mean you can’t work on yourself and prune your crutches, delusions, and self-destructive tendencies. It’s a life-long process, but at least, before you marry, try to have a firm grip on who you are, what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. Rushing headlong and blind into an unknown situation almost never works out.
14. Be transparent- This means you’ve mastered the ability to not only be honest with yourself, but also honest with your love interests. If you’ve lived and loved long enough, you have probably noticed some patterns. For example, when a boyfriend messes up, you automatically call the stand-by guy for a date. Or when you have a major fight in a relationship, you resort to drinking. If this has always been your pattern then it’s not automatically going to go away just because you’re hitched. Learn your bad habits and kick ‘em …or at least let your romantic interest know of your dirty little tendencies. Let them have a choice in whether they want to help you unpack your baggage or if they want to get off at the next stop
15. Fall in love with the person you’ve become- Embrace yourself and your journey! Give yourself props for making it this far!
